MOULTING

 I am the observer and I observe. I realize I am being observed to see if I am learning to observe. I am the snake

shedding its skin. But only this time fully aware of how much, how far and what my new skin would be like. At

times the snake is scared, the vulnerability .. fears of the known and unknown. She realizes she has done it umpteen

number of times, but this time around the shedding could be beyond just superficiality of what is seen by others.. or

 what she has shown. This time in the process she will look deep into her soul. There are many who have been

here, and they are with her. She looks up to them, not in awe or inspired. Simply as, ‘if they did..so can she’. She

feels naked at times, although there is only tiny tiny bits of skin which is peeled. To everyone else she looks like

what she used to. She knows that. Yet she also knows there is a change.. deep within her. That space within the

recesses of her mind and heart. She is going to feel all wonders of nature in all its glory and devastation.

The change has just begun. A tiny scratch if you may. 

 

 

Am I like the caterpillar coming out of the cocoon?? she wonders ..no! more like the butterfly who has cleaned all

 

the paint and is ready to splash herself with colors that are good for her well being. It would mean washing them

 

completely and having to get her wings wet. 

 

Am I like the Phoenix??.. no! I am not reborn ..I am rediscovering the real me!! 

 

Happy Birthday ..to me ..every day ..every minute ..every second.:)

The Moment

She curled herself in the blanket as the air conditioner buzzed away. It was dark and the only light that came was from the wi-fi router and the repeated irritating quizzes from her phone.

She saw their silhouttes from where she lay. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. Teensy in his soft protective arms. Simon and Garfunkel played in the background. The ‘sounds of silence’ to be precise. He gently rocked the little one to the music..as the little one drifted away to dreamland.

Perfect!! she thought. That instance.. seeing the both of them. She felt so much at peace. An unexplainable contentment .. no extremes of excitement and boredom.. no extreme happiness or sadness.. no increasing levels of serotonis or endorphins. It was Everything and Nothing. He put Teensy slowly near her. The song was over and Enya started to play ..

She smiled.. the ‘moment’ was over; ” wouldn’t have wanted it any longer”, she thought and cozied up to sleep. 🙂

The Precious Share

I had imagined myself writing every single day.. from when she was within me and when she was out. I thought I would capture every toothless smile, nonsensical sounds, every milestone and share it with the world ; I didn’t. The reason is not that I am a busy mommy, oh no! I have lots of time in hand (thanks to an extremely understanding and supportive hubby). The reason was that there were too many things running in my mind that I wanted to share and I kept thinking about them and tired myself.

Lilo’s presence in my life did a lot of things to my life.. other than the obvious that I gained a sagging tummy, she also has brought so much insight about myself. Her birth created situations where I needed to deal with my biggest fears – that of being in control and learning to let go. Both of which I have succeeded to an extent and am aware of its consequences better than before.
Home duties don’t feel like an obligation anymore. I look forward to cleaning the house, cooking food , bathing and other routines of Li and looking forward to seeing Viky in the evening and sharing a cup of chai.
Yes, the most exciting thing of all is witnessing my baby grow. Every little coo, giggle, cry, complaint, smile, play, move, dress up, cuddle has been such a wow! , yay! moment. Yet, there is one thing I share with Li a couple of times during the day, which makes me feel completely connected- not just to her but to every living element I can feel. I SHARE SILENCE. Moments pass by where I am simply in introspection and she quietly stares at me or she is sitting in my lap and we are staring away for minutes at the traffic or I am sitting on a chair sharing a cheek to cheek. I have seldom felt this alive.
Maybe she is just doing what babies do or maybe she is telling me she knows she is loved not just by the one who is writing this post but also by the ones who are reading it.
Whatever the case in that silence I found the essence of love and peace.

Waiting for Lilo :)

Lilo in the scan – is chubby cheeked, not sure of the chin.. small cute lips, still no teeth within, eyes are huge..lovely too.. pudgy nosed..momma’s pet .. come out soon.. do i hear a yes yes yes ? 🙂

In doubt…

To reiterate Shaurya’s tweet..”There is NO undo in life”, but I’d always believed there can be a “Redo”.
I’v had a moment tonight where I doubted this.. I hope I was wrong in doubting it.

Insight!!

… In discussion with Viky…
** It’s never the ‘how’, but the ‘what’ which is important in any activity.
** If ego was a person, it would be the best master of disguise.

A mommy to be’s song :)

My song to the music of ‘My favourite things’ from Sound of Music.

Glasses of milk and strawberries were eaten;
Mood swings and sometimes poor hubbies were beaten;
Puking then gas and I tossed in between
Not making being preggy sound nice i can see..

But hold on people, sing along now,
and let me tell you how…
It changes completely all things that you see,
The world just smiles back happy and glee.. 🙂

Now that I have all of your attention;
There are some things or two i have to mention;
People you love cant just wait how to feel;
That growing tummy and the cutie beneath;
Mommy’s crying, girlfriend’s sighing,
Saying they want one too..
the best part is then when they call up and u,
realise their wish came true.. 🙂

Now i have a basket ball that i call a tummy;
Bosoms I wish will give Pam run for her money;
Guilty pleasures I  give into everyday ;                                                                                      Sometimes ice lollies and sometimes its cake; 😉

And in a month or so.. I’ll go heave and ho,                                                                      and have Lilo in my arms..                                                                                                              and there will be  all you who sang this song with me                                                        To wish us joy and peace. 🙂

Random thoughts..

I’m still unsure if I am a part of ‘their’ big picture. I sure know ‘they’ play a huge part in mine. I like and want it that way…

To my unborn Lilo!!

I pray and wish this for you every day !!

Ever close your eyes
Ever stop and listen
Ever feel alive
And you’ve nothing missing
You don’t need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Let the rain fall down
Everywhere around you
Give into it now
Let the day surround you
You don’t need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

What a day, what a day to take to
What a way, what a way to make it through
What a day, what a day to take to a wild child

Only take the time
From the helter skelter
Every day you find
Everything’s in kilter
You don’t need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Every summer sun
Every winter evening
Every spring to come
Every autumn leaving
You don’t need a reason
Let it all go on and on

What a day, what a day to take to
What a way, what a way to make it through
What a day, what a day to take to a wild child

What a day, what a day to take to
What a way, what a way to make it through
What a day, what a day to take to a wild child

Da-da da da da da, da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

Insight

There is either fear or there is love !!