I had imagined myself writing every single day.. from when she was within me and when she was out. I thought I would capture every toothless smile, nonsensical sounds, every milestone and share it with the world ; I didn’t. The reason is not that I am a busy mommy, oh no! I have lots of time in hand (thanks to an extremely understanding and supportive hubby). The reason was that there were too many things running in my mind that I wanted to share and I kept thinking about them and tired myself.
Lilo’s presence in my life did a lot of things to my life.. other than the obvious that I gained a sagging tummy, she also has brought so much insight about myself. Her birth created situations where I needed to deal with my biggest fears – that of being in control and learning to let go. Both of which I have succeeded to an extent and am aware of its consequences better than before.
Home duties don’t feel like an obligation anymore. I look forward to cleaning the house, cooking food , bathing and other routines of Li and looking forward to seeing Viky in the evening and sharing a cup of chai.
Yes, the most exciting thing of all is witnessing my baby grow. Every little coo, giggle, cry, complaint, smile, play, move, dress up, cuddle has been such a wow! , yay! moment. Yet, there is one thing I share with Li a couple of times during the day, which makes me feel completely connected- not just to her but to every living element I can feel. I SHARE SILENCE. Moments pass by where I am simply in introspection and she quietly stares at me or she is sitting in my lap and we are staring away for minutes at the traffic or I am sitting on a chair sharing a cheek to cheek. I have seldom felt this alive.
Maybe she is just doing what babies do or maybe she is telling me she knows she is loved not just by the one who is writing this post but also by the ones who are reading it.
Whatever the case in that silence I found the essence of love and peace.
